Tara AnandThe pandemic strained many a marriage. But perhaps, the most badly affected have been those that took place just before or during the lockdown. As newlyweds, these couples were deprived of their relationship training period—the first six to twelve months so crucial for gradually laying the foundation for a healthy marriage.
Much like fledglings who need to learn how to fly, a couple that has just started living together have much to learn and figure out before their relationship can really take off. Imagine if instead of getting the space and freedom to gradually orient themselves to their environment and test their wings safely, newly hatched chicks were thrust out of the nest as soon as they were born!
Striving for nearly two to three years to make their relationship work through the chaos and stress of the lockdown, many such couples who got married during the pandemic are now facing severe marital distress and are even considering separation.
What can you do to save your marriage if this describes your situation?
Here’s a five-step approach to getting unstuck and moving forward with hope and clarity.
1. Stop feeling like a personal failure: When we feel like a failure it is impossible to clearly see the nature of our messy situation and develop a road-map towards our goal. Yes, it is important to have personal accountability, but it is equally important to have a balanced view of all the factors involved and recognize that certain external conditions really loaded the dice against you as a couple. Without the pandemic, it is possible your marriage may well have been on a good footing.
2. Stop blaming each other: The only way out of this situation is together. Having realized that the relationship distress is not entirely your fault, extend the compassion to your partner as well. Sit down and open your heart to each other. Share your pain and hurt without criticism and truly listen to each other so that the feeling of ‘we-ness’ can start to emerge.
3. Draw healthy boundaries with your family: For a couple to thrive, they need to have a well-defined boundary with their well-meaning families. Unfortunately, with many extended families living together during the lockdown these boundaries possibly never got established for you both—resulting in a lot of avoidable conflict.
4. Go for that honeymoon now: Don’t delay it any further if you haven’t managed to go for one. This is your opportunity to discover each other in the absence of any external stress or family. Talk to each other about your dreams, your innermost feelings and deepest needs and an intimate bond may well start to forge.
5. Learn new relationship skills: It is vital to process and heal relationship wounds of the past few years as well as learn practical skills that will help you communicate better and deal with conflict and relationship stress going forward. Invest the time and energy and do the work.
Above all, commit to the process, be patient and if need be don’t shy away from taking professional help. There is hope.
Take care
