Tara AnandLife being what it is and people being who they are, from time-to-time uncomfortable situations arise where we have a choice of either staying true to our values or wiping our feet on them in order to avoid disappointing others. If maintaining harmonious relationships becomes our top priority, often it requires shortchanging our own self. When we don’t believe we are allowed to say ‘No’ life becomes an ongoing struggle to satisfy conflicting demands, leaving us guilt-ridden and anxious.
But is it possible to walk the tightrope of relationships – balancing our needs with those of others who matter to us – with ease and integrity? Yoga philosophy shows the way to leading an ethical, authentic and guilt-free life.
I like to think of the ‘Yamas’, ethical guidelines provided by Patanjali in his Yoga Sutras as a yogic compass for navigating life – including the murky waters of relationships. Next time you feel trapped in a difficult situation, unsure of the best course of action, it may be worthwhile to pause and reflect if your feelings and thoughts are in-line with the five Yamas.
To do this, silently ask yourself the following questions and then take your time for the knowingness of the right response to arise within:
- Loving kindness & Non-violence (Ahimsa) – What are my intentions and motivations in this situation? Are they pure? Are they to hurt anyone? If there are two choices of action – will I be hurting myself or anyone else by adopting either path? Even though the other person is feeling hurt, is this a result of my actions? Or is it largely because he or she chooses to perceive it this way? Have I communicated my reasons and intentions in a loving and kind manner? In the larger scheme of things, what feels like a more loving and kind approach to everyone involved?
- Truthfulness (Satya) – Am I being honest with myself about my intentions? Are they truly in line with my core values or am I acting out of anger, resentment, pettiness or insecurities? Have I been open and honest in my communication with the person involved?
- Non-stealing (Asteya) – Am I taking away something I owe the other person by my choice? Will I be taking away something from myself or other people who matter to me as a result of this – for instance, if I choose to spend time on this request, will it steal the time I reserve for my children? How does this choice reflect on my duty towards myself or the person involved
- Moderation (Brahmacharya) – Am I being impulsive or over-reacting to the situation instead of being patient and restrained? Have I considered different perspectives? Is my approach well-balanced?
- Non-grasping (Aparigriha) – Am I displaying enough flexibility in my approach? Could I be over-attached to my view? Is everyone involved taking responsibility for their own life or is someone playing the role of controlling bully or helpless victim?
Usually just contemplating the first two Yamas, Non-violence and Truthfulness, will provide the inner clarity – pointing the direction that may be most appropriate for the situation. This insight in turn will fuel your self-assurance to act in an assertive yet kind manner, ensuring that you stay true to yourself.
Do you have any thoughts or questions? Let me know in the comments below.
Take care,
