Tara AnandYes. Sure. I will try. No problem. Of course. Why not. And the list goes on. These were some of my standard responses to requests and demands made by others on my time and energy. Even as I could feel myself cringe inside and knew I should refuse, the anticipation of hurt feelings, anger, possible rejection and isolation kept me stuck and I only started breaking free from the people-pleasing pattern when I was in my thirties . My life choices were governed by keeping others happy. My happiness? I thought the answer was people-pleasing!
I was like a snake biting my own tail
The outcome? My self-worth was at rock-bottom. I was full of guilt – trying to fulfill everyone and pleasing no one. I knew I had reached my breaking point when I experienced a meltdown in a self-development workshop I was attending. This was to be the turning point for me.
My concerned counselor on hearing my anguish made an observation that shifted my perspective instantly. He said, “It seems to me that you have a strong need to take care of other people”. Nothing dramatic. Nothing rocket-science. But so powerfully liberating. The veil lifted – “Wait a second”, I said looking up at him through my tears, “that doesn’t sound like an uncaring, selfish person, it sounds like someone compassionate and kind”.
For perhaps the first time in years, I felt good about myself. I liked this woman I saw in the mirror – she had her heart in the right place! I began to see that my people-pleasing patterns was much like a snake biting its own tail. Gradually the understanding dawned on me that we are all responsible for our own happiness in this world —I am responsible for mine and you are responsible for yours.
Breaking The People-Pleasing Pattern
Staying true and authentic to yourself requires learning a new skill—the art of saying ‘No’ and the mindfulness to …
- Give yourself permission to put your own needs first without feeling like you have committed a crime.
- Draw appropriate boundaries and maintain them gracefully yet assertively.
- Delve within and face your fear of conflicts this seemingly harmless two letter word, ‘No’, can trigger.
- Build up an inner reservoir of self-worth and self-belief that can remain unshaken in the storm that may follow your ‘No’.
- Be patient with yourself while you learn to discern when to say ‘Yes’, when to say ‘No’ and when to work towards a mutual compromise.
In short, it it will mean learning a whole new language for life. A language that can finally put you in the driver’s seat of your life!
